What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
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Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?