Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
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Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
brian had himself a morning…
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.