Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
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When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
never compromise your values
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.