If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
You Might Also Like
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
If you know, you know 😂🚔
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
quarantine day 3
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I’m sorry…what?
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….