H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
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guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
a public service announcement
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
This is my bus stop.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
lost dog
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.