This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
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*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
cyclists
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
c’mon!
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
The “baby” on the left….
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.