Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
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Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
and this one
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig