[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
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Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Hamburger Hinderer.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I needed a laugh this morning.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there