At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
You Might Also Like
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser