*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
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Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire