[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
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William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Sex so good you see dead people.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Pizza is an emotion right?
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs