Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
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Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
kevin is now a local weatherman
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
thanksgiving should be called feaster