Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
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Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us