ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
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Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.