*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
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COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
My work here is done
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.