How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
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OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever