“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
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I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!