“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
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“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.