In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
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If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜