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Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.