Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
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I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
brian had himself a morning…
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
i love meeting boys on tinder
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples