it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
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*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Please do it!
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”