My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
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me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore