It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
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I’m a self-made hundredaire
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud