goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
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I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
God has left this place
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
“You’d better run, egg!”
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.