Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
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Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
when you don’t want to be too vague
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
😂😂
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd