People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
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Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
jesus, what did this guy do
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”