[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
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Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
where do you see yourself in five years?
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t