My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
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[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.