As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
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The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
My wife has the worst taste in men.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?