Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
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ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
“I wouldn’t.”
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.