Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
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That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.