Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
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Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
🤣🤣
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.