I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
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Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Your honor these allegations are
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.