My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
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Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.