I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
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[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I feel attacked.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”