The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
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Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Tell the colonel to bring it
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.