I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!