An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
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I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.