Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
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Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Yes, but it was never about money
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.