[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
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[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
😍😂🥰😂😍
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt