Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
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60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
i wish all
whales
a very
big
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.