My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
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if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I’m putting together a team
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.