aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
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*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I love you…
…r dog.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.