The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
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Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
😎 🍻
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.