If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
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I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair