Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
You Might Also Like
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
how high up are we talkin’?
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.