Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
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Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.