[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
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Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”