Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
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Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
👾👾👾
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.